


The Way You Are

by sunflowerstyles



Series: Trans!Louis AU [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Body Dysphoria, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Insecure Louis, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Trans Character, Trans!Louis, gay relationship, harry and louis are both boys, no sex at all, soz but suck it up, trigger warning for that for real this time!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-05-07 20:37:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5470088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflowerstyles/pseuds/sunflowerstyles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry wants to strip Louis of his inhibitions and be in each other's company in a new way. Louis' nervous to display himself for Harry, but Harry's smooth voice and gentle love always relaxes his boy in the end. Louis has nothing to worry about. After all, Harry's soul already loves his.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Way You Are

**Author's Note:**

> If any of you are triggered by body insecurity (or specifically have body dysphoria ?) you may want to proceed with caution! In my opinion, I don't think it's very triggering but this is an FYI if youre sensitive to this kind of thing!

Harry locked the door behind himself as Louis toed off his shoes next to him. Louis sauntered over to his couch to drop his book bag onto and collapsed next to it, announcing that he hadn't eaten since breakfast. He turned on the TV and Harry came over to sit cuddled up next to him with a bowl of grapes. Louis smiled slightly at Harry’s subtle encouragements for Louis to eat better by giving him healthy snacks and cooking him elaborate meals whenever possible. Louis snickered as they took turns feeding each other grapes in silence, the TV playing absentmindedly in the background.

Louis was trying to throw grapes directly into Harry’s mouth and missing spectacularly most of the time. Harry just giggled and kissed his nose before breaking the silence between them.

“Makes me so happy to know you’ll be staying all night,” Harry said quietly while staring at Louis with a fond smile.

Louis returned his smile, still somewhat taken aback at Harry’s obvious and continuous adoration of him. “Love spending the night with you,” Louis replied with flushed cheeks.

Harry moved closer to him, wrapping his arm around Louis’ shoulders to cuddle him in. “So, I have an idea, since we have all night…” Harry began. “Well, you know how much I love you, baby, and I was thinking… maybe we could do something new to kinda bring us closer. Just a different way to spend time together.”

Louis nodded with slightly furrowed eyebrows. “Alright… so what did you have in mind?” he asked timidly. He was still trying to learn how to let Harry in, past all the walls he had built up from former relationships and bad experiences. He was working on making trust his first reaction to Harry’s suggestions and statements.

“Well, I was thinking that maybe we could have a nice night in… get some takeout and watch a few movies,” Harry explained. He leaned in close to Louis’ neck, trailing soft kisses up his jaw and behind his ear. “And take a bath together right before bed,” he finished.

Louis froze, his immediate reaction willing him to say _no no no no no_. He remained silent, not wanting to deny Harry something he was so keen on but feeling scared and panicked at the same time. His insides felt tensed up as he struggled to figure out how to respond and tell Harry he didn’t feel too sure about this.

Harry petted his arm and kissed his shoulder, immediately feeling Louis tense up at his suggestion. He gave Louis a few moments before asking, “What do you think about that, honey?”

“Um…” Louis began, his throat feeling dry. “I… I dunno,” he said softly. He felt hot all over and completely unsure. Through his uncomfortable uncertainty, he found a small part of himself desiring to spend time with Harry like that and being so close to him. He shrugged slowly and looked away from Harry.

“If you don’t want to do that, baby, it’s fine. We can still have a nice night no matter what,” Harry promised him, kissing his cheek and rubbing his hand up and down his arm. “It’s just… I don’t want you to ever feel uncomfortable with me, darling. I thought it would be a nice way to be closer with you.”

Louis nodded slowly, trying to form a response. Harry took the nod as a positive reaction and continued carefully.

“And-and nothing more,” he added quietly. He gave Louis another gentle kiss and said, “I promise I won’t touch you anywhere you don’t want to be touched, sweetheart. Don’t worry about that at all, I’d never do that to you.”

Louis felt his chest tighten. He cuddled closer to Harry and said, “I know you wouldn’t, Hazza.”

“And we can dim the lights a bit, sweet pea. If that’d make you feel better, we can do that,” Harry said, trying to persuade Louis to open up and agree to this idea.

“Really?” Louis said quietly, growing more and more interested. His body and insecurities were the only things on his mind, but Harry was already a step ahead, already accommodating for Louis’ needs.

“Or maybe we can get some candles, I’m sure I’ve got enough around here… light a bunch of candles on the counter and edge of the bathtub and turn off all the lights,” he said, smiling gently at Louis. “Wouldn’t that be romantic?” he added in a quiet, encouraging tone.

Louis smiled at his thoughtfulness, always so eager to please Louis and help him feel at ease. He nodded despite the doubts circling his head.

Harry held him for a while, letting Louis think it over. He kissed him from his neck up to his temple, trying to help Louis feel his love and feel more relaxed around him.

“What do you think about that, baby?” he asked at last.

Louis sighed quietly, still unable to reach a verdict. “I’m sorry, but I dunno, Hazza.” Harry nodded and kissed his temple again while Louis tried to formulate a better answer. He opened and closed his mouth several times, trying to explain his unease to Harry. “It’s just… I… I was never this close with any of my other boyfriends… ever,” he said.

Harry nodded, trying to understand Louis’ doubts. “You can trust me,” he said simply.

Louis pressed closer to him, breathing in the familiar comforting smell. “I know… I do, but I… Haz, it’s been about twenty years since I was naked in front of anyone.”

Harry held him closer, processing Louis’ thoughts. “It would make me feel even more honored to be with you like that, then,” he told him sincerely.

Louis felt torn, knowing he was just being shy and needed to get over it at some point. He leaned into Harry’s neck, unable to look him in the eye as he vocalized his biggest insecurities.

“What if you don’t like what you see?” he asked softly, his voice so quiet Harry had to strain to hear despite their closeness.

His doubts filled Harry with sadness, so upset that Louis could think this way but understanding his logic to a certain point nevertheless. He kissed Louis’ head firmly and answered, “Of course I won’t like what I see. I’ll absolutely love it.”

Louis smiled into his neck, wishing so badly he could just automatically believe Harry’s words. “I absolutely love you.”

Harry squeezed him tight in a hug. “I love you, too.”

-

Louis sat on the closed toilet lid while watching Harry putter about the bathroom lighting his candles. He still felt a deep sense of anxiety, feeling as if any second the scale would tip and he’d confess to Harry that he just couldn’t do it. Taking off all of his clothes in front of Harry, in front of anyone, was unchartered territory. Harry would be looking at him undressing, taking off his binder, and showing him all the things he didn’t want anyone to know about. It was massively hard to tell Harry the truth about his body, but it was another thing entirely to show him, lay himself bare for Harry to scrutinize and judge.

Harry finished lighting the last candle he had set up and went to fill up the tub with hot water. “I’ve got a few types of bubble bath… you can pick, baby,” he said as he turned from the faucets to his cabinet under the sink to retrieve all his bath soaps, feeling around for them in the dark. “And a couple bath bombs. We can use those, too!”

Despite his nerves, Louis couldn’t help but grin at his boyfriend. _How could anyone so quirky and endearing feel intimidating?_ he wondered.

Harry lined up all his bath things outside the bathtub on the floor. He turned to Louis with a gentle smile and began unbuttoning his shirt.

Seeing Harry undressing so unabashedly in front of him made something snap inside Louis. He stared up at Harry with watery eyes, his cheeks already becoming streaky with tears.

Harry’s eyes widened slightly in sympathy and he rushed over to Louis, his unbuttoned shirt remaining on his shoulders. He knelt beside Louis and wrapped his arms around him tightly, thinking of nothing but draining all the unhappiness and insecurity away.

“Baby angel, we don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. I promise it’s okay to say no,” Harry told him, never feeling burdened by repeating this to Louis. Harry only wanted him to grow to discover and understand his personal boundaries in a more intimate relationship. He would never run out of patience for the upset boy in his arms.

Harry pulled Louis down to sit on his lap while Harry sat cross-legged on the floor. Louis sniffled while trying to keep as quiet as possible in Harry’s hold. “You’ve… y-you’ve already got everything s-set up, though,” he tried arguing through his quiet sobs. How could he not feel awful while watching Harry take away everything he’d put together for Louis here?

Harry reached over to shut off the tub faucet and immediately resumed to holding Louis with both arms wrapped around him. “Baby, that doesn’t mean anything. That absolutely does not make you obligated to do something you’re uncomfortable with.”

“But, it’s…. everything’s all set up,” Louis argued again in a squeaky voice, growing more and more frustrated with himself.

“Then… it’s for you, angel. I can give you some privacy if you’d like, sweetie, and you can have a bath by yourself,” Harry said simply. “Would you prefer that?”

Louis cried harder and held on tighter, not liking the idea of Harry leaving him while he was so upset. He felt a rush of emotion at Harry’s offer- the fact that Harry was completely willing to go to all this trouble just to set up a nice bath for him set him off.

Harry held onto him and kissed his head gently, wanting desperately to relax him. “Well… can your binder get wet?” he asked once Louis was deemed quiet enough to continue solving the problem.

“Wh-what?” he said, finally looking at Harry and trying to wipe away some tears from his eyes.

“I mean, would that make you more comfortable, if you didn’t have to take off everything?” Harry asked gently. “You can leave on your underwear.”

Louis sniffled and looked down into his lap, shaking his head. “It’s not… not supposed to get wet, no.”

“Then how about… Oh!” Harry swiftly shifted Louis off his lap and planted another kiss on his head. “I’ll be right back, baby.”

Harry bolted out the door and was back within seconds with something bunched up in his hands. “Would you feel better wearing this?” he asked, holding up one of his old T-shirts for Louis.

Louis timidly grabbed the shirt from his hands and considered it. “Wear it… in the-in the bath?” he asked shyly.

“Mhm,” Harry agreed, nodding his head. Louis stared down at the fabric in his hands, his knuckles going white as he fisted the shirt in his growing frustration.

“I… I just…” Louis tried to explain himself, but felt at a loss for words again. The world closed in on him little by little and he was soon hyperventilating and being pulled back onto Harry’s lap.

“Shh, honey. I-I’m sorry, Lou. Maybe this was a bad idea. We can just cuddle in bed, watch another movie if you’d like,” Harry offered, reaching up to drain the bathtub.

Louis tightened his grip around Harry’s waist. “I… w-wait, Hazza,” he said in a rushed voice. Harry slowly took his hand away from the plug and wiped the water off on his jeans. He ran his hand up and down Louis’ back in comforting motions as he waited for Louis to relax.

Louis slowly evened out his breathing and leaned forward to rest his head on Harry’s shoulder. He let out a shuddery breath before asking in a whisper, “Can… can you maybe sing first?”

Harry squeezed the small boy in his lap in a tight hug for a long moment. “Of course, sweetheart.”

He leaned back slowly to rest against the wall of the bathtub, rubbing his hands around Louis’ back. He hummed quietly before choosing a song for Louis.

“Mmm… his eyes, his eyes, make the stars look like they’re not shinin’. His hair, his hair, falls perfectly without him trying…” Harry leaned in close for the next line, singing to softly in Louis’ ear. “He’s so beautiful, and I tell him every day.”

Louis sniffed and tried to subdue his crying, but Harry’s smooth, soothing voice telling him how beautiful he was made his eyes tear up all over again.

Harry continued rubbing his back and delivered the next part of the song right in his ear after smacking a kiss to his temple. “You know, you know, you know I’d never ask you to change. If perfect’s whatcha searching for then just stay the same. So don't even bother asking if you look okay, you know I say… when I see your face… there's not a thing that I would change, ‘cause you're amazing, just the way you are. And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for awhile. ‘Cause you're amazing, just the way you are,” he finished quietly, urging the words into Louis’ mind to rest and make a home there.

Louis straightened up to look Harry in the eye. His lip quivered slightly, but Harry reached up to wipe away his leftover tears. Harry sat up taller and leaned forward to kiss Louis firmly on the lips, catching him by surprise. Louis kissed back easily, happy to do something familiar and comforting after he’d been in a state of panic nearly all afternoon.

Harry slid his hand up into Louis’ hair, holding him close and kissing him deeper. He slowly took off his unbuttoned shirt and set it aside. Louis pulled back and opened his eyes at the movement. Harry stared at him sweetly, bringing his hands down to gently tug at the hem of Louis’ shirt. He leaned closer to give Louis a long-lasting kiss before pulling away and gently removing his shirt, leaving him only in tightly-bound spandex. Harry moved to unbutton Louis’ pants as well, helping Louis slide them off and doing the same to himself.

Harry reached around to wrap Louis in another big hug, wanting nothing more than to make it known to Louis that it’ll be okay. “Honey… don’t feel scared around me. I love you endlessly, no matter what. These… these are just physical forms we act through, love, but the two of us have more than that. Does that make sense? It doesn’t matter what your body looks like- my soul already loves yours.”

Louis regarded him with wide eyes. “Really?” he asked in awe.

Harry smiled and nodded. “Soulmates,” he replied, trailing his hand up the bumps of Louis’ spine. He swept his fingers to the edge of the fabric before looking deeply into Louis’ eyes. “May I?”

“…Yes,” Louis responded in a barely-there voice. Harry edged his fingers underneath the binder and carefully but swiftly pulled it up and off of Louis’ body, being cautious not to let his fingers linger anywhere Louis didn’t want him to.

Harry wrapped Louis in another hug, noticing how quickly his heart was pounding. He could feel how tight Louis’ ribcage felt from behind and his heart tightened in sadness for a moment. “Breathe, honey. I’m still here, I still love you.” He pressed a kiss to Louis’ hair and added in a whisper, “Of course I still love you.”

He pulled away and saw Louis gazing at him with shy eyes. Louis was fighting the strong, strong urge to cover himself, wrap his arms around the parts he didn’t want Harry looking at. Harry only stared at him with undeniable love and adoration in his eyes and guided him to stand up. Harry turned the faucet back on to finish filling the tub with hot water. He turned back and pulled down his boxer briefs in front of Louis and gathered all his clothes in a pile and setting it on the counter.

When he looked up at Louis, he saw him standing with one arm in front of his chest and his other hand toying with the hem of his underwear. Harry stepped closer to give him a kiss and gently hooked his fingers on the inside of the fabric and looked him carefully in the eye. “May I?” he prompted again.

Louis nodded, subconsciously holding his breath again. _Harry likes boys, Harry likes boys’ bodies, he’s turned on by how boys look and I don’t look anything like that._ Discouraging thoughts filled his head as Harry slid down his boxers and let his eyes wander for not even a full second before giving Louis eye contact again. Harry smiled sweetly and quietly said, “Everything’s okay, sweet pea.  I love you more than ever.” He reached back to turn off the faucet and gave Louis another hug, telling him, “You’re so brave for me, angel. You amaze me.”

Louis held him back, smiling slightly at his words of praise. Harry checked the water and guided Louis into the bathtub with him, grinning with absolute joy at Louis’ confidence. He sat down with his back to one end of the tub and guided Louis to sit between his spread legs. Once they were situated, Harry wrapped Louis up in another bone-crushing hug, sloshing the water slightly. Louis giggled as Harry peppered kisses on as much of Louis’ face as he could reach. “Love you,” he said, nearly breathless from all the kisses he was delivering. “So much. So, so much.”

Louis laughed and succumbed to his bombarding until he angled his head to kiss Harry back, both of them smiling into it. Harry pulled away and smiled proudly at Louis, overjoyed that he managed to get Louis to smile when he was sobbing and panicking not even an hour ago.

Harry reached around the side of the bathtub and produced one of his bathbombs. Louis couldn’t help but giggle again at Harry’s giddy excitement as he watched the water surrounding them turn cloudy and pink.

Harry wrapped his arms around Louis’ waist and leaned back, situating himself to rest against the wall. The slippery tub made it hard for Louis to stay put, unable to relax against Harry as he kept sliding down.

The bathwater sloshed against the sides as Louis tried to get himself into a comfy position. Harry reached out to stop his movement. “Just… turn over. Lay your head on my shoulder,” he suggested. Louis looked at him and began moving slowly, but stopped to regard him with uncertainty again.

Harry slid farther down into the tub so he was lying down more than sitting up. “Turn around, baby. So you face me, and sit on my hips, and put your head here,” he said, touching his shoulder.

“O-okay,” Louis said, blushing slightly. He moved slowly and deliberately, straddling Harry’s thighs and moving up to find a comfortable place to sit. His cheeks grew to a more fiery red as he felt Harry staring at his body while he sat up on his hips in what could be considered a compromising position. Harry placed a hand on Louis’ shoulder and Louis looked up to make eye contact. Harry was smiling gently and guiding him to lie down against his chest. Louis’ cheeks felt burning hot as he asked, “Are you sure you don’t mind?”

“Not at all, sweet pea. I wanna get closer to you, be with you in a closer way. It’s okay to touch like this… this is safe.”

Louis slowly lowered himself against Harry’s pecs and rested his head on his shoulder comfortably. He felt insecure with the feeling of his chest pressed tight against Harry’s, but Harry only moved his forearm under Louis’ bum to hitch him up higher to cuddle closer with him. “There we go,” he whispered with a kiss to Louis’ forehead.

“Thank you, Hazza… for-for being how you are with this,” Louis said quietly. Harry smiled wide and kissed him chastely for a long moment. Louis deepened the kiss, now starting to understand what Harry meant when he spoke of this feeling of being closer with him.

They made out for a long time, the light splashing noises and gentle smacks of their kisses being the only sound in the room. Their kissing grew more and more passionate, Harry licking deeply into Louis’ mouth with a hand in his hair keeping him in a steady position.

They kissed lovingly for moments that seemed to stretch into hours. Harry gently wiped away any of Louis’ leftover tears and rested his hand against his neck, checking that his heartbeat was closer to normal now to ensure he wasn’t feeling upset or scared anymore.

"I'd offer to help you wash up, run some soap and water all over your body and give you a proper bath, but... I understand if you'd rather I didn't," Harry explained softly, pressing more kisses to Louis' hair.

Louis' cheeks flushed at that as he avoided Harry's eyes. He shook his head slightly, feeling hints of shame and nervousness again. "Um... I... I dunno, Haz, you don't have to," he replied.

"I know, but I want to, darling. I don't ever want to touch you somewhere you're uncomfortable with, but if you're okay with this, I'd be so happy to," Harry explained.

"Oh... um, i-if you want, um... you can? We can try," Louis offered in an unsure voice.

Harry beamed at his brave willingness, so happy to see his boy carefully step out of his comfort zone in their relationship to try things like this. "If it's too much, darling, just tell me to stop, okay?" he asked, already getting a washcloth ready with soap after gently sliding Louis off his lap. He tilted Louis' chin up with one finger, making Louis look him in the eye. "You don't have to be nervous, love. You know I'll be gentle, right?"

Louis nodded his head, letting himself relax at the feeling of Harry assuring him he was in good hands.

Harry leaned down to kiss him softly and began running the washcloth over Louis' shoulders. Louis relaxed against his touch, trying not to think any self-depreciating thoughts.

Harry continued to wash down his back and moved to his underarms, pressing a kiss to his head and saying, "You're very, very beautiful. I hope you know that." He put more body wash on the washcloth and moved to Louis' chest, causing Louis to blush bright pink at the contact. "And I hope you know I'd love you no matter what body you're in," he added, now moving down to Louis' tummy. "And I'm so, so proud of you for doing this with me."

Louis smiled at his words, pleased at how happy Harry was with him. "It's all 'cause of you, you know," he replied, slightly amused. "It's easier to relax around you than anyone else, the way you reassure me and promise me it's okay that I look quite different than I'd like to look," he said quietly.

Harry bit back a big grin, so happy to know his words had such a helpful effect on Louis. "It's all true. What I say." He leaned down to kiss Louis again as he subtly ran the washcloth over Louis' thighs and between his legs. "I love the way you look, and I love that you're all mine," he whispered against Louis' lips.

He finished washing Louis and quickly washed his hair before taking a moment to wash his own hair. Louis gazed fondly at him rinsing out his long curls, feeling more at peace with his naked self than he would've thought possible.

Harry looked up and smiled back at him, splashing the water slightly to pull Louis back onto his lap to kiss him sweetly again. The two made out for a while longer until Harry noticed the water had cooled off quite a bit. He gently pulled away and looked Louis in the eyes. “Do you wanna get out and dry off now, baby? And we can pick up where we left off once we’re warm in bed,” he said, running a hand up and down Louis’ arm.

Louis bit his lip and nodded slightly, giving Harry a small smile. When he heard the tub starting to drain, he felt a slight pang of nervousness at getting up and showing Harry his naked body under the harsh fluorescent lights of the bathroom. Harry stood up and stepped out of the tub, walking over to flick on the lights and grab a towel. He walked around the room blowing out the candles before realizing that Louis was still in the water and was sinking lower and lower as he tried to guard himself against the bright lights.

Harry promptly stopped drying himself off to get a towel for Louis. He came back to the edge of the tub and held the towel open in front of him, clearly ready to wrap Louis in a big, warm hug as soon as he stepped out of the water.

He smiled as Louis finally stood up, allowing Harry a decent view of his whole body in the bright light. Louis blushed heavily when Harry smiled and kissed his cheek after wrapping the big towel around his small body. Harry held him tight and whispered, “ _Just the way you are_.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you find any inaccuracies I'd really appreciate anyone letting me know! I'm not super-informed on trans matters so if there are any mistakes it's not me being shitty its me being uninformed :P
> 
> I'd love for anyone at all to let me know what they think of this (specifically the theme of being trans, but any comments are welcome).
> 
> Talk to me in the comments or at [sunflowerstyles](http://sunflowerstyles.tumblr.com/)  
> cause I'd love to know your thoughts and be friends :)


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